i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
