that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
