I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
