I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
