you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
