im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
