I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
