She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
