I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
