Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
