Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize