It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
BRING THE BAGELS
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
