I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
