swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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