saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i would punch a child for taco bell
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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