If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
