I like to think it a success when the cops are called
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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