Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
