i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
