Can i not drive my cunt home
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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