I will die if light touches me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
