in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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