i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
