ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
