went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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