How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
