I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
