I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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