you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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