ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
