tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
