I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
