Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
