I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize