Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
