I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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