I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
