my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize