My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
