i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
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