Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
