Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
