Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize