I'll bet she douches with gravy.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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