just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
