I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
