remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
