I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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