I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Randomize
