Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
