2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
