3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
