Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
