he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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