HIV tests are more positive than that guy
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
