Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
everyone is single if you try hard enough
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
