I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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