Swine flu is the new snow day.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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