I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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