i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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